Bringing sexy back
illustration by Alex Martin
WE’RE TOO SEXY for our university… or is our university too sexy for us? We may rank low in some of the Maclean’s university rating categories year after year, but we’re certain that if they included a “How hot is your campus?” category, we would be raking in the top marks. Clearly, the University of Ottawa has many seductive qualities that attracted us to apply for admission in the first place. In honour of both our annual sex supplement and the arrival of Valentine’s Day, the Fulcrum has put together the top five reasons why the U of O is, without a doubt, the sexiest university around.
5. We’re in a pretty sexy city.
While Ottawa isn’t necessarily comparable to Las Vegas, Cancun, Paris, or any other places we would definitely consider sexy, there are still some totally titillating qualities about our nation’s capital. First off, it gets pretty damn cold in the winter—which gives us the motivation to do whatever we can to get warm. We also find ourselves constantly immersed in the French language, especially since this campus is officially bilingual—and we all know that French is one of the romance languages (we don’t even have to whip out a “Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?” to make our point). To further this sexy reputation, we would like to really shake up the “boring government town” image and start casually referring to our metropolitan area as “The Big O.”
4. Our architecture is pretty erotic.
Screw the people who think Desmarais Hall looks like a toilet. Just look at the subtle, west-facing curve that accentuates the gorgeous figure of the voluptuous, 12-storey structure. It stares down the Department of National Defence building on the other side of Nicholas Street with more temptation and seduction than if it were dressed in lacy black lingerie. And look at Tabaret Hall and its triple-E-sized dome sitting atop the centre of the building—can you get more suggestive than that? Arts and Simard Halls are clearly entangled in a passionate embrace, and SITE puts on its own peep show with its endless windows. Plus, Vanier Tower is guaranteed to be impressive—just wait until the tall, smooth structure is fully erected next year.
3. “It” probably does start here.
And by “it,” we obviously mean any naughty business. You may not realize it, but there are some great make-out spots on this campus: have you ever tried to get to the top floor of Colonel By Hall? Yeah, it’s impossible to get to—which could really create the perfect situation in which you won’t be easily caught. Lamoureux Hall is another concrete bunker that we can’t imagine many people actually spend time in (though it has a name very appropriate for lovers). And while SITE probably wouldn’t be a good idea with its very obvious wall of windows, the view of the Rideau Canal must be romantic. We won’t speculate on what goes on in rez (but we’d be failing the spirit of this editorial if we didn’t smirk a little at “Hyman Soloway”— Come on, you’ve all done it too).
2. We get screwed all the time.
Remember that Facebook group? “I don’t need sex, because the University of Ottawa fucks me all the time?” Nothing gets students hot and bothered like an increase in tuition fees. And when naughty Rabaska isn’t recognizing your identity or won’t let you register in a class, you know it just gets you all worked up like nothing else. Really, if it weren’t for this university, we probably wouldn’t be in the mood often enough to be getting any at all.
1. We’re hung like a Gee-Gee.
Need we say more?
editor@thefulcrum.ca
